


Hold Back

by breathe_out



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Possible Character Death, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:06:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23062183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breathe_out/pseuds/breathe_out
Summary: Shane looks down the rocky cliff and contemplates his life.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	Hold Back

Shane stares down at the stormy sea with a look of contempt. Waves are crashing against the side of the cliff and spraying mist into the humid air. Lightening lights up the evening sky, followed by a loud crack of thunder that makes the ground shudder. He is drenched from the torrential downpour that’s been battering their small country town since earlier that morning. The smell of alcohol permeates his clothes, but he’s grown so accustomed to the scent that it is almost nonexistent. 

Several sets of beer sit around him. It’s the cheapest that he can afford - and it tastes like utter shit - but it still has the same intended effect. Each drink slowly numbs his brain until his thoughts turn into a consistent buzz. The rain cools his hot skin and provides a fragile thread of clarity for him to cling to. Unfortunately, that single line of coherent thought only provides an outlet for his self-hatred to seep through.

His eyes sting as long suppressed tears gather in them. 

If he decides to roll off the cliff, the merciless ocean will sling his lifeless, limp body against the rocks over and over again. His flesh will tear itself apart as his bones crack. He will cease to exist all at once when his skull collapses inward. This useless, ugly body that he’s been burdened to carry will be gone within moments. It will be swept away into the sea until it washes up on some godforsaken beach in the middle of nowhere. 

A human life means nothing to the brutal forces of nature. It acts without hesitation or fear.

It’s so easy – so readily available – yet still he hesitates. Why is it so difficult to commit to the idea? Maybe the will to live is deeply ingrained into humanity. But, the mere thought of walking away to return back to Marnie’s home is too much to bear. He would go back and drift through the house like a ghost, until he collapses into his bed and begins to wish he was dead again. There’s no other course of action to this. 

He wants – more than absolutely anything – to rid himself of the heaviness that resides inside his heart. No medication can touch such deeply rooted sadness. In fact, Shane cannot remember a moment when he felt genuinely happy since moving to the valley. His only reprise are his precious chickens in the back of Marnie’s home, but even Jas has long since learned to take care of them. He taught her himself, after all. Little did she know that it was in preparation for his demise. 

It’s not difficult to put together the pieces. Why should he continue living this way? He works twelve hour shifts five days a week at a retail job that treats him like dirt. His weekends are spent lying in bed, stewing in self-pity and quietly wishing for the mattress to swallow him whole. Every moment in between is spent at the bar, where he often drinks the hours away until Gus asks him to leave. Then, he shuffles home at midnight. Although the outward silence keeps him company, his mind is a raging inferno that burns through his thoughts one-by-one. When he arrives to the house, it is a dark den that doesn’t feel like a home. Only the sensation of sleep – that state of pure unconsciousness where his thoughts never reign – lures him to bed to start again the next day.

The everyday cycle never ends, and Shane finds himself floating through it on autopilot. It’s not worth spending the rest of his life in this endless loop. 

Marnie may mourn him the longest. She has lost many of her relatives in the past decade. The rest of the town will offer their condolences and go out of their way to bring her gifts. Jas will have a large support group ready to aid her; Penny, Marnie, Vincent – they’re all so much closer than Shane ever was to a single person. But, besides his aunt and goddaughter, no one will mourn his passing. There will be no funeral, no tears, and no flowers. He will die as he lived: alone.

Shane inhales deeply to calm his rapid heartbeat. His feet are dangling over the edge now. He can feel the icy sea water on his bare legs. Curiously, he kicks one of his battered shoes off to let it drop down below. The shoe shrinks the father it goes, until the tide consumes it in one fell swoop. Simply allowing that tinier part of himself be killed is somehow relieving. 

This is his choice. No one else can dictate whether he lives or dies. 

He scoots closer. 

It’s _his_ choice.

Then why is his heart beating so fast? 

He’s clutching the edge with both hands. The sharp stone cuts into his palms and makes him bleed. The pain makes him catch his breath. His ears are ringing so loudly that he can barely hear the next burst of thunder that shakes the world. His arms are trembling from the effort to keep himself from falling. 

He squeezes his eyes shut tight. 

Jas’s sweet smile fills the darkness. 

The gentle push and pull of the waves ease his mind. 

It’s his choice.


End file.
